Betrayal

It’s funny how we can recognize when someone else is doing us wrong or has betrayed us in some way. We leap with panther-like speed to let them know we will not tolerate this sort of behavior or we quickly exit the situation that does not serve us well. But what do we do when the betrayer is us, betraying us?

I had an epiphany this morning as it relates to my seemingly never ending battle of the over baked muffin top (my midsection). Sitting at the edge of the bed after meditation, this thought materialized: “you have been betraying your body.” As I sat there dumbfounded, I listened to what I was saying.

Really LISTENED.

I heard “You have been betraying your body with inconsistency.”

I have betrayed me by things I have allowed other people to do to me and not stand up for myself. I have betrayed me by allowing my mind to think thoughts that are counterproductive to my emotional well being. I have betrayed me by not setting boundaries and not protecting my space. I have betrayed me by not moving my body consistently.

If I were a cartoon character, the word “BETRAYAL” would have materialized in a bubble above my head, floating along with me as I walked, eyes downcast, hands in my pocket, with some cartoony-sad music playing in the background. I sat and pondered this new revelation for a moment.

WTH has been going on? The Answer: I have been trying to recover from the betrayal caused by others and have ignored the betrayer in the mirror.

Wait, Whaaaattt?

The first thought I decided to evaluate was (being that it was early morning): YOU have been betraying your body.

I said it out loud to hear how it would sound in my ears.

Softly first… “I have been betraying my body. I have been betraying me.”

Then loudly… “I HAVE BEEN BETRAYING MY BODY!”

Wow. What does this mean? I wondered. A voice emerged almost sassily(with hands on its hips I’m sure) saying, “you have betrayed your body by what you have been doing, all the while telling yourself lies like it’s okay to start tomorrow or what’s the point?”

This voice continued (it must have been pretty darn fed up with my shenanigans), “You have been unconsciously yielding to resistance. You even allow this resistance to talk you out of daily movement for your body and now even your body feels like a heavy stranger to you, making noises and stiffening up begging you to pay attention.”

I was hurt by this new knowledge of self. How could I talk to me like that?! But it was true when I sat down to think deeply about it.

“Nahhhh. How could I?” I questioned.

While I am grateful for my body for carrying me these 49 years, I have not been as kind as I should have been to it these last few years. Not fully comprehending I only get one…body.

“I will change this!” I proclaimed.

“I must change this!” I said vehemently.

I take another look at the woman in the mirror. I look deeply into her eyes and I decide to apologize to her.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

I decide to forgive her for her indiscretions against herself.

“I forgive you,” I declare.

I decide to heal her from the inside out and promise to treat her better from his day forward. I promise to not betray her anymore.

“I promise,” I profess.

Sawubona is a Zulu greeting that means “I see you, you are important to me, and I value you.” The proper reply is “Yebo, Sawubona.” which means “I see you, you are important to me, and I value you, TOO.”

As I look into the mirror again, that still, small voice whispers “Sawubona.”

I open my mouth and affirm, “Yebo, Sawubona.”

And we begin…AGAIN.

Jellyfish

Starting a blog is often touted “Super simple! Get started in less than 5 minutes! It’s VERY EASY to do!” Says anyone and everyone who seem to have christened themselves a consummate “expert” on all things blogging.

Poppycock!

I always wondered when I would get to use that word!

The easy or simple part has to refer to filling out the billing information and paying. As the setup and decision on the aesthetics of your blog take some time if you are wanting something you feel speaks to who you are. If you are wanting something that screams “YES! THAT’S IT!” when you look at it.

This is what happened with me in creating Sawubona.

I wrestled with what seemed like hours on the name I wanted the blog to have, the colors I wanted to use, and finally the image I felt spoke to the theme of Sawubona. I almost defaulted to flowers…but then flowers are usually symbols everywhere. Getting frustrated and rethinking if this was a good idea since I could not decide on the homepage image, I got very still, very quiet, and started breathing. After a few moments, the word ‘jellyfish’ dropped into my spirit.

Being big on symbolism (don’t judge me), I immediately began a search on what jellyfish symbolize as I have never paid much attention to them.

And eureka! (Gee, I got to use that word, too!) Almost like magic…I started seeing these beautiful images of jellyfish. But pretty pictures weren’t enough to sway me. I wanted to know if these creatures MEANT something. My Columbo-esqe detective skills yielded the following:

According to The Astrology Web, a jellyfish symbolizes faith, love, balance, sensitivity, intuition, acceptance, strength, power, transparency, softness, simplicity, and courage.

Totally ME.

People with the jellyfish as their spirit guide remain focussed on their work. They always prioritize their goals, giving less importance to irrelevant aspects of their life. Such individuals follow their instincts readily before undertaking a certain action.

Yep. Me again.

They mostly believe in simplicity, also possessing the ability to deal with challenges in an easy and less stressful manner, just as the jellyfish does in its natural surroundings. In fact, they show immense adaptability and can cope with any situations in life irrespective of the difficulty. They are also poised and elegant, being able to handle difficult or tricky situations in an easy and graceful way.

Mostly me, sometimes I don’t always handle my challenges in a less stressful manner. But not grounds to ditch the jellyfish.

Lastly, it states we might be a little opinionated, not thinking twice before voicing out their concern, even if it hurts someone else’s sentiments.

Yep…totally me. What can I say, I’m a work in progress.

So this is why I settled on said jellyfish for the image of Sawubona. They just fit. The jellyfish remind me to always go with the flow, instead of hurrying and rushing about in this journey through self.

The “Who I am and Why I’m Here” Post

It’s day 1-ish and the email said “You’re a blogger! Time to publish a post that gives readers a sense of who you are,” from WordPress.com’s Blogging University being the ever enthusiastic motivator.

I stare blankly at the email.

Let’s see…”Time to publish a post that gives readers a sense of who you are.” (Insert eye roll here) Who I am?! After 49 years on this planet, I am still trying to figure that out! Hence, the purpose of starting this blog, to find my voice…to discover…just maybe…who am I.

Giving it the old college try…

I wrote a poem the other day that may shed some light on the “Why I’m Here.” I call it On Writing

I write because
I need to
I have to
I must

I write to be
healed
whole
happy

I write because
it is therapy
it is discovery
it is creativity

I write to be
free
safe
focused

I write because
I need to find me
I need to know me
I need to transform me

I write to be
authentically me

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