What If…I Really Committed to Me?

What would happen if I actually buckled down and do those things I always said I was going to commit to at the start of every new year or change of every season? Who would I actually be?

It’s June. Halfway through 2021…

I gotta come clean.

I have been inconsistent this past year…hell, this past decade, with being consistently committed to anything, especially those things concerning my mental health, my emotional health, and my physical health.

After a pretty depressing and emotionally draining phone call with a “friend,” I realized that for the last year or more, I have been neglectful of me, chasing behind bread crumbs, not receiving the energy I was giving away, and honestly, seeking validation of me outside of me. I would start a health routine and stop. Decide to get emotionally fit. Then stop. Decided I needed to really get my -ish together, only to stop AGAIN.

When this conversation concluded, something was different. Different because that “high” I was accustomed to was no longer there. These talks were usually “uplifting” to me or gave me that high I became accustomed to …the high that numbed the real issue of what may have been going on with me.

Something was different today.

A deep feeling of sadness seemed to wash over me. What the f___ (yep, there was a cuss word that welled up in my spirit) have I been doing this past year…hell…these past 10 years?!! I have been wasting my time and energy, giving me away to people and situations that were harmful to my overall well being! Time is short. The next day is not promised to any of us, and I have spent more than 2 decades sleepwalking apparently.

Today, I made the decision to stop sleepwalking through the second half of my life. I made the decision to go forward and do whatever it takes to truly create the best version of me. What would happen if I committed to being the person I always wanted to be? What would happen if I focused on the things I could control? I mean REALLY focused.

In the past, I have always said “Tomorrow. I will get started tomorrow.” Tomorrow always came and went. A mental error I always made was believing that tomorrow, I was going to be different. Do things differently. Tomorrow arrived, the cares of the day arrived and I seemed to stay and feel the same, the besame person as I was before. I realized no one was coming to save me, there was no miracle potion I could take that would make me into the person I always dreamed of becoming.

I must do the work. I must stop procrastinating. I must stop negotiating. I must stop overcompensating. I must focus and DO THE WORK.

The truth: I have been low-key complacent. Hiding behind being a single mother and raising my sons and just brushing things off with “I don’t have time for that.” Complacency. Much of my almost 5 decades on this planet has been falling to this way too many times and not pushing through discomfort.

Somehow all these years, I accepted mediocrity, being average, complacency and sleep walking through these last 4 decades. I was not living up to my personal potential. In the eyes of others I didn’t look like a failure. In my eyes, I was a failure or rather I have been failing myself. With some of the choices I have made and have been making lately, I have been on auto-pilot. There is a quote that says “You don’t get what you want in life, you get what you are.”

Who was I? I am at the half way point in my life. Where am I? What am I doing? The boys are in college now. What is holding me back? What did I always want? Who did I always want to be? I have always wanted to be someone who was disciplined, physically fit, mentally fit, financially fit. I wanted to have a real savings account even while trying to pay off my student loans…emotionally fit…working with purpose, really making a difference in my community and in the lives of the children I work with each day…be kind to myself. Make good choices for myself. Leave a legacy to my children that will change the narrative of the future generations of our family.

In 6 more months, I will enter a new decade of my life…the half century mark in fact and honestly, I don’t want to be wrestling with the same things. So, I am going to conduct an experiment for the next six months. What would happen if I focused on the things I could control? What would this focus yield in my life? Who would I be at the end of this personal experiment? What if controlling the things I could control would lead to the life I always dreamed of living, as the person I always dreamed of becoming?

So the first thing I have decided to tackle was physical movement. I have been too inconsistent over the years with my commitment to physical movement. I have all the tools I need, yet fall short of my goals every year. Health is wealth. Consistent physical movement is extremely beneficial to our mental, emotional and physical health. We cannot manage the trials of life in poor condition. It’s no longer about looking good naked…while that’s a plus…this was about trying to reach the end of my life being in better shape mentally, emotionally and physically.

This morning, I committed to all the things I wanted for myself by first committing to moving my body everyday for the next six months. The second half of my life is on the line. The legacy I wish to leave to my sons is on the line. Keeping a promise to myself was on the line.

So these next 6 months are going to be an experiment, what will be the end result at the close of this decade?

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